Celebrating Jack

On this date 31 years ago, I became an aunt. I was only 10 years old. After yearning for a younger sibling, this was the next best thing! 

Fast forward 17 years. I had moved to sunny California and my nephew Jack would spend his spring and summer breaks visiting, with a friend or two tagging along. He was a burst of energy into our lives; I remember feeling so sad when it was time for them to go home. And the house felt empty afterwards.

Jack was adventurous and was always up for something new. I'm definitely more cautious and reserved, but his desire to try everything and fully experience life was contagious. I think that's why he was so much fun to be around. 

Just over three years ago, Jack lost his life to cancer. He was only 27 years old. It's not the same without him. His absence is felt. 

One thing I have learned about grief is that you never get over a loss. Losses change you forever. 

Today Jack would have been 31 years old. 

I wish he was here to celebrate. We all miss him.

arugula, tuna & cannellini bean salad

It's hot out! This is the perfect healthy and hearty salad that requires little more than assemblage. I estimate we've made it about 75 times! No kidding.

1 package of arugula
2 cans of tuna packed in olive oil
1 can of cannellini (white kidney) beans, rinsed and drained
1-2 Tbsp of drained capers
1/4-1/2 diced red onion
Red or white wine vinegar
1 tsp of dijon mustard (optional)
Salt and pepper to taste

Assemble in a serving bowl:
Arugula
Drained tuna (reserve olive oil for dressing)
Beans
Capers
Red onion

For the dressing:
Drain the olive oil from the tuna into a small bowl
Add red or white wine vinegar to taste (no more than 1/4 the amount of olive oil; add more olive oil if needed)
Add dijon mustard and whisk dressing
Pour over assembled ingredients and toss

Here is my inspiration for this salad: http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/tuna-and-white-bean-salad

What's the good news?

We all need to vent at times. We need to spend a few minutes talking about a crappy day, soliciting the support of a friend or loved one. But sometimes it's hard to know when to stop. And hearing someone else go on and on about a negative topic can be tiresome.

In our house, we play the "What's the good news?" game. It's a great way to shift the focus from a negative topic to something more positive. Asking this question is also a good way to send a message to the complainer: It's time to move on.

Even better, ask the question without a negative topic looming in the foreground. If we had kids, I think I would ask this question daily. We can always find the good news. I dare you!

Sometimes it's fun to think of all the random things I'm thankful for, and sometimes they are very random. But what a way to shift my mindset.

This idea came from something I read from Wayne Dyer years ago. I was 21 and super depressed. The one-year anniversary of my mother's death was looming and my unprocessed grief was rearing its ugly head. I followed his recommendation to write down 100 things to be thankful for every single day. That can be daunting in the midst of depression. One of the ideas is that you start looking for things throughout the day to be thankful for, because you know you're going to have to come up with 100.

• I am thankful for clean water to drink.
• I am thankful for two arms and two legs.
• I am thankful for a house that keeps me safe and is my palette for creativity.
• I am thankful for the ability to cook.
• I am thankful for peonies in the spring.
• I am thankful for cats that adore me and provide unconditional love.
• I am thankful for a down comforter on my bed.
• I am thankful for a car that gets me to where I need to go.
• I am thankful for the renters that are occupying our unsold house.
• I am thankful for indoor plumbing and hot showers.
• I am thankful for the ability to read.

What is your good news?

Destination: Shopping

My sweet husband invited me to go on an upcoming business trip with him. When I realized I'd have the opportunity to shop at IKEA, H&M, and some other stores that my midwestern city does not have, I got really excited! You see, I've had my eye on this IKEA kitchen table that happens to not be available online.


















At $179, what a steal! If the trip wasn't scheduled in winter, I'd seriously consider renting a UHaul, filling it up, and driving back.


I've been checking to see which of my favorite stores are in the DC area. I was disappointed that a CB2 store will be opening in DC a month after I'm there!

I've been digging these color balls; fortunately CB2 has online ordering.

















Where do you like to shop?

Design Challenge

When we bought our house, I knew I would be making a lot of changes to this room to bring it up-to-date. Either I've lost my decorating mojo or I overestimated my decorating abilities, because this project has me overwhelmed. I feel stuck!















Before: A room desperate for updates.

















Hello, my name is wood. I'm everywhere!



Fireplace

• Plan A: Keep the red brick look. I actually like the look of the corner fireplace.
  

• Plan B: If it absolutely will not look modern regardless of other things we do in the room, then we paint it.

I get exhausted looking at this room because there are lines going every which way. I hope that painting it will help the lines "disappear." Removing the paneling is not an option now.

I am leaning toward a glossier finish than I'd normally do on sheetrock. Yay or nay?

What color for the walls? A soft white? A light grey to coordinate with the mortar and hopefully tie the room together?

The trim throughout the house is white, and I plan to paint the trim white in this room.

We don't have a purpose for this room yet. We're thinking a family room - without a tv. Maybe big comfy chairs to lounge in...
















Progress: Light fixture replaced!

















All primed and ready for... something?

Wrapping up 2010

In October, I learned about a young mother cat and her 1-week-old kittens that were going to be euthanized at the animal shelter. Without a second thought, I brought them home, making it my first experience as a foster mother. Watching this little family grow was one of the highlights of my year.




















We hosted a Black Friday Happy Hour the day after Thanksgiving, which was our first big party in the new house. We had a great turnout of friends and family. Do you like my nice bar set-up?




















The party aftermath. Yeah, that's a lot of bottles, but our happy hour lasted past midnight!




















I have arrived at a wonderful place following our failed IVF. In being completely honest, I realized that part of my motivation for fertility treatments was to win the battle. I'm tenacious by nature and I lost sight with what was really motivating me. Was it to win or was it because I truly wanted children? I'm happy with my life now and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I got a good kick in the butt to get to my current state of contentment. Someone I trust reminded me in the midst of my disappointment with not becoming a mother, that I was confusing a role with a purpose. All of us occupy roles, but these roles don't make us who we are.

I was fortunate enough to hear James Hollis speak this year and in his book, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, he presents a type of question we ask ourselves that often precedes personal growth: "If I am not my roles, then who am I?" Finding the answer to this question takes each one of us down an individual path of self-discovery.

I don't declare new year resolutions, but I'm committed to pursue peace and spiritual expansion and embrace all that comes my way in the upcoming year.

I wish peace for you as well in 2011!

Loving it all

We recently moved into a new home and I've been consolidating my magazines into neat, organized piles. They are often my sources of creative inspiration.

As I pass by the untouched stacks, I look at them longingly... But there is work to do - coursework for my master's program, practicum hours to fulfill, and my commitment to my employer.

The toughest part about it is that I love all of my commitments. Every single role that I occupy. So it's not that I'd rather be inspired by magazines and forgo other things, I just wish I had more time.

My life hasn't always been like this. I've been in situations that were miserable, where my talents were wasted and my strengths overlooked. I'm not sure how I ended up loving so much of what I do, except that I began to follow my interests and good opportunities started to come my way.

So, I hope you're loving what you do. If not, keep looking for the things that bring you joy and fulfillment. We all deserve to live with happiness. It's just up to you to find it.

Deck the Walls

In my new office, I have a large amount of wall space to cover. On a budget. So, I used a 4-pack of square frames for $10 from Michaels...



Cut down some free wallpaper samples...



And there you go. One wall is decorated!

Will Work for Food

A good friend of mine recently served as chair for a wine dinner honoring the top supporters of a non-profit agency. Somewhere along the way I unofficially hopped on board and helped her design and assemble the centerpieces. I had the opportunity to attend the dinner as well, and was able to bring along my guy. Can't beat that - I love event planning, I had a great time working on the centerpieces, and then I was able to attend a fabulous dinner!

Our centerpiece creation.

The vase complemented the wine theme quite nicely.

The chairperson and her unofficial assistant.

Me with my date.

I just love this picture of my dear husband.

First Sewing Project

I took a sewing 101 class at JoAnn last week and am still amazed at how much I learned in 2.5 hours.

Sewing has always intimidated me because I remember my mom's old sewing machine that seemed impossible to master; the sewing machines now are so easy and user friendly.

I can't wait to make things like table runners, pillows, tablecloths, and hopefully some summer skirts and dresses.

My instructor has her pillow cover instructions posted here.


I'm impressed it came out as good as it did for my first try!



Back of the pillow cover. We did a 16 inch pillow cover.

homemade crunchy granola

Other granola recipes I've tried have been too sweet.
This one is perfect!

The original NY Times recipe is here, but I made some minor modifications and included my preferences in the recipe below.

6 cups Bob's Red Mill extra thick rolled oats
3 cups mixed raw nuts (I use cashew pieces, pecan pieces, sliced almonds)
1 cup dried unsweetened shredded coconut
1 tsp ground cinnamon
Dash salt
1 cup wildflower honey (my preference; lighter honey also works)
1 1/2 cups chopped dried fruit (I use apricots, cherries)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, combine oats, nuts, coconut, cinnamon, and honey. Place on sheet pan lightly brushed with oil and put in oven. Check every 10-15 minutes and stir. As it gets browner, check every 5 minutes and stir. It should brown evenly - the browner it gets without burning, the crunchier the granola will be. Mine baked for 1 hour.

2. Remove pan from oven and add dried fruit. Cool on a rack, stirring once in awhile until granola reaches room temperature. Store in refrigerator in a sealed container.


After 1 hour of baking and before adding the fruit.


This oatmeal is thicker than Quaker Old Fashioned Oats,
which may be why my granola takes longer to bake
than the 40 minutes in the original recipe.

A Powerful Mind

This morning I noticed a bruise underneath my big toenail. I don’t remember hitting my foot on anything, but all of a sudden my toe really started to hurt. Yep, it began to hurt after I saw the bruise.

I used to receive weekly acupuncture treatments, and some sensitive spots on my hands would hurt from the time the needle was inserted to when it was taken out. Oh, how I dreaded having my hands poked. One week, I was lying on the table while my hand ached from the needle and I bravely picked up my hand to look at it. There was no needle there! I realized my practitioner skipped that spot – so why was my hand hurting? Duh. It was all in my mind! Just like today, when my toe didn’t hurt until I saw it was bruised.

These experiences remind me how powerful our minds really are. And that, my friend, is empowering.

What is your mind telling you?

Remembering Mother

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 79. If she was here, I'd make her one of my from-scratch cakes. Growing up, it was my mother who inspired me to bake. She would be so proud of my baking skills. I would love to show her what I've learned.

You know that question about which 5 or 10 people you would have at your dinner table if you could choose anyone? I always list my mother first. There's so many questions I didn't get to ask her. And I bet there are many stories about her life that I'd love to hear. Plus, I think she'd fit right in with Princess Diana, Jesus, and Mother Theresa. Yep, they'd be at my dinner table, too.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

New Direction

I admit it, the second half of 2009 was hard. Really hard. 2010 feels like a refreshing opportunity to move forward. I realize it's up to each of us to decide what perspective we're going to have, regardless of what life throws our way. In other words, happiness is always a choice. I knew this, but I wasn't practicing it. And it's okay. It's unrealistic to be happy all the time. I think contentment is a better aspiration. Contentment involves embracing life - the perceived good and bad - without judgment. And this is where faith comes in: Knowing that whatever is going on now is just a piece of the bigger picture.

With faith, I move into 2010 with an open heart. So far, I've become acquainted with both new and forgotten interests and have been inspired by others' creativity. As I surrender to the things seeking fuller expression through me, I trust that I'm on the path that will enlarge me and move me toward the person I'm meant to be. Our souls long for meaning and participation in our own greatness.

So, here's what has been on my mind...


The working poor. The underpaid people who clean your offices, sew your clothes, take care of your kids, and serve you at Wal-Mart. How much of their labor is essential to our society's growth and comfort?


How can so many people be hungry in a nation with so many resources at its disposal? I was once feeling sorry for myself over dinner at an upscale restaurant - until I looked out the window at a woman shuffling by with a shopping cart full of her belongings. How can I help empower people who want a different life?


Yes, of course, I like nice things. This is my dream kitchen. Ah, someday.


I adore party planning. How can that be when I'm such an introvert? I so love the details and creativity involved.

A perfect Christmas weekend

I wasn't sure what to expect from Christmas this year, but decided go along with whatever came up. Christmas Eve, Steve and I had our own holiday celebration with an elegant dinner at Starkers, watching big snowflakes fall on the Plaza. We spent the rest of the night with my family. I knew this would be a hard year since my 27-year-old nephew, Jack, passed away in August. Christmas wasn't the same without him; we could all feel it, especially his mom and dad.

Even though I didn't decorate or put up a tree this year, I found my motivation in acquiring a good eggnog recipe. I made a total of six batches of Alton Brown's fabulous eggnog. It was perfect! Of course, a holiday cannot go by without making my sugar cookies. I made a few dozen for my brother, but he was snowed in on Christmas Eve, so we've been snacking on them.

Steve and I spent all of Christmas day lounging. We ate pistachios and sugar cookies, drank eggnog, and looked at the 12 inches of snow outside, feeling grateful to stay in. We made our Christmas dinner at 9pm: broiled lobster tails. On December 26, with the city still covered in snow, we finally left the house to meet up with others at La Bodega and ended the night with wine at Cafe Trio.

Someday I'd like to host Christmas brunch, so I practiced on Sunday with Ina Garten's French Toast Casserole. It's a recipe that's definitely company-worthy. We finished our holiday weekend at my sister's house for a Mexican-themed dinner. Our handmade margaritas were a hit, and I also made one of my favorite dishes, Chilaquiles Casserole.

This holiday was all about food, drink, and lounging. My astrological sign is Cancer and my Chinese zodiac is Pig. Cancer-Pigs love everything luxurious: good food and relaxing in comfortable surroundings. Yep, sounds like me. No wonder I enjoyed my Christmas this year! I hope yours was good, too.

Holiday Intruder

For nearly two decades, I have spent holidays with other people's families. I was 22 the first year that both my parents were dead and one of my dear friends invited me to spend Christmas with her at her uncle's house. That year, she gave me the only gift I received for Christmas. Since then, I've usually spent holidays with families of husband one and two, or with boyfriend's families while in between marriages, but the worst Christmas day I can remember was in 2005. I was alone at home on Christmas day trying hard to enjoy my beef tenderloin steak and chatting with my two orange cat friends. I couldn't wait for the day to be over so I could go back to work. Happily, I started dating Steve a month later and life became much better.

What got me through all the years of spending holidays with "other" families was the hope that someday I would have my own family to share the holidays with. I dreamed about shopping for my children's gifts and imagined their delight as they unwrapped presents from under the tree. I thought about the meaningful family traditions we would create that would be all ours. Dropping by other people's homes on Christmas wouldn't be such a chore because I would have already had my "special" family time.

I've tried different strategies to help the holidays be more joyful. I've decked out our home with creative holiday decorations, threw a festive holiday party, adopted a needy family... But the disappointment was still there. So, I've decided this year I'm only going to participate at the level I am comfortable with. It's doubtful that I will be going to other people's homes to witness their nuclear families being together - a reminder of what I lost almost 20 years ago and what I have not been able to recreate in my own life.

I haven't decided what good replacement activities would be on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Serve dinner at a homeless shelter? Sounds depressing. Take a trip? Just stay home and make an awesome dinner? Pretend like it's just another day, except my husband happens to be off work?

Creative suggestions are welcome.

Change is good

I've always felt sorry for people on restricted diets; I never thought I'd be one of them. We decided that if we're going to do another IVF, we're going to do a much better job preparing through diet and lifestyle changes, along with supplementation. Taking handfuls of antioxidants and shooting wheatgrass everyday is the easy part. Giving up some of our favorite foods, drink and habits has been the hardest. But I'm getting used to our new eating style and am no longer tempted. The fact that I feel really, really good since bypassing the typical American diet also provides motivation to continue. So, here's what we can't have:

• No sugar
• No dairy
• No caffeine
• No alcohol
• No wheat

Eating out is a challenge. Wheat, dairy, and sugar hide out in everything! We went to Blue Koi recently and were pleased to find that they have a gluten-free menu. Most of their entrees can be ordered with rice noodles and other substitutions and they provide gluten-free soy sauce. Yay, Blue Koi! I no longer miss my wine, but I did watch with a little envy at the other patrons drinking their bubble teas.

One of the hardest parts is anticipating how our social life will change. So much of what we did with friends and family was centered around good food and drink. I have a feeling we will be seeing lots of movies this winter...


Fortunately, we both love rice noodle soups.

Good Chili

Last winter, I started making this chili recipe from Cook's Illustrated and it's great. It's also super easy and fast, so I made some tonight.

Quick Beef and Bean Chili

2 (16-ounce) cans kidney beans, drained and rinsed
2 (14.5-ounce) cans diced tomatoes
1 1/2 pounds 85 percent lean ground beef
1 onion, chopped fine
4 garlic cloves, minced
3 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
2 teaspoons sugar
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro (optional)

Process half of beans and half of tomatoes in food processor to coarse paste; set aside. Cook beef and onion in dutch oven over medium heat until meat is no longer pink. Stir in garlic, chili powder, cumin, and sugar and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute. Stir in pureed bean-tomato mixture and remaining beans and tomatoes.

Bring chili to boil, then reduce heat to low and simmer, covered and stirring occasionally, until thickened, about 15 minutes. Off heat, stir in cilantro (if desired) and season with salt and pepper.

Now what?

Our IVF cycle was a bust. There are no embryos to transfer, so we're done. Finally knowing is better than the chronic stress we've both felt from wondering after we received the last lab report on Tuesday. I already have a consultation set up with a clinic in Denver, which is where we should have started out in the beginning. Meanwhile, I came up with a Top 10 list of things to do after a failed IVF cycle:

1. Drink a lot of wine. And tequila.
2. Figure out how we’re going to pay off the $50K in medical bills that we’ve amassed so far in 2009.
3. Forget about #2 and take a tropical vacation that involves lots of alcohol and a temporary escape from reality.
4. Do hard-core cardio, lift weights, and do hot yoga.
5. Paint the living room without worrying about inhaling paint fumes. Maybe paint the whole interior, even the furniture.
6. Find a job since I can’t re-enter my graduate program until fall 2010.
7. Work on a creative project I’ve been contemplating for years.
8. Plan an elaborate Halloween costume because it looks like I’ll be partying this year.
9. Drink more wine.
10. Pick another clinic and start this physically, emotionally, and financially exhausting process all over again.

Intolerance for the intolerant

I've struggled for awhile with my growing intolerance for the Christian right. I am well aware that my feeling of disgust for them may make me almost as bad as they are. I recently finished Frank Schaeffer's book Crazy for God. I laughed my ass off at the parts I could relate to, as well as the parts where he so candidly refers to the stupidity of evangelical leaders and followers. Schaeffer's examples resulting from his direct work with Jerry Fallwell, James Dobson, and Pat Robertson do well to illustrate the authentic hypocritical nature of these people. Learning about the seething hate and intolerance that motivated them, I feel truly sick that the word Christian has ever been used to describe them.

Being raised in a pretty conservative Christian environment, I often rubbed elbows with evangelical Christians. My mother regularly watched the 700 Club and listened to irrational preachers when they made claims: If you give your daughter dancing lessons, she will grow up to be a stripper. Consequently, I never got to take ballet or tap. My mom was determined to spare me God's wrath by avoiding the evils that could so easily result from a 5-year-old girl taking ballet.

I know my mom meant well, she loved me dearly, but I think it came down to her desire for someone else to think for her. She didn't want to make decisions in her own life, so she deferred that task to others. Perhaps that is what attracts followers to the religious right? There is no gray area, no perceived uncertainty. When things are black and white, and right and wrong, your ability to reason proves to be unnecessary.


I wonder if these little girls will grow up to be strippers.